john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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