Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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