Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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