I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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