why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
