You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
