i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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