You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
