i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
A+ Viking dick
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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