Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize