I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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