I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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