I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize