Nicole vs. Life
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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