i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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