awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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