I wish I could teleport
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
whose ass print is on the piano?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
