Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
