So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
