We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize