On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
