Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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