Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
