I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize