I think scott just propositioned me for sex
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
even my farts smell like vagina
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
