Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
