Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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