After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
