on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
