Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
