it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
