Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
