nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
In other news, I just burned my penis
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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