Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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