Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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