He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Randomize
