OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
