how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
