I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
