Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
my shit smells like andre
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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