I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
