dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
