I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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