we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
