The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
