I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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