i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I said "one day" and that day is not today
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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