I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
