If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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