I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
