I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I can't turn off my feet"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
