maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Houston, we have a squirter
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
