a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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