so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
