there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
