he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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